Subversive Sexuality: Agency over pleasure
Sexual pleasure as an act of revolution
I was finishing up reading Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships, By Dr Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D and Dr. Jennifer A. Vencill PhD when I went back the chapter 1. There is a section that talks about sexual motivators. Common sexual motivators are : wanting to feel attractive, horniness, emotional closeness, reconnecting after a fight, too feel alive, etc. In this chapter, you are given a journal prompt to talk about your motivators. The one that stuck out for me was “to feel alive.” I have noticed that over the years, when things have felt repressive and bleak, a part of me came alive (albeit, not for long). In these times, my motivators were to lean into ‘hedonism.’ Experience all the pleasure as a means to take back control, to keep my finger to the pulse (pun intended) of my life, and to say “the world is on fire, so fuck it” and lean into sexual pleasure.
What does it mean to have agency over pleasure in this landscape? What does it mean to nurture our libido (life force)? First things first, you gotta know that sexual agency is a human fucking right.
You have the right to:
Autonomy
Privacy
Informed Consent
Freedom from coercion
Freedom from sexual violence
Sexual pleasure
Freedom from STI’s and Unwanted pregnancies
How do we even manage when everything feels so bleak. I don’t have an all encompassing answer but I have some ideas. First things first, get Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by Adrienne Maree Brown as a jumping off point.
Now on to pleasure praxis, I’ve provided some ideas to gain agency over your pleasure. I made it a point to make these activities on your own because it may not feel safe to do these with a partner under this current administration.
Reclaim your sexual imagination- this is where erotic books come into play. Read books (or listen) that allow you to imagine yourself in those scenarios. Apps like Dipsea and Quin are fantastic to help boost your imagination. Practice creating sexual scenarios in your mind. Lean to make yourself the protagonist of sexual exploits.
Sense yourself- learn to talk to yourself lusciously and learn to treasure your skin. Give it lotions, give it oils, give it soft material. Learn to engage the organ that is your skin. Learn to listen to what feels soft on it’s nerve endings. Engage in touch to feel and sense, with no intention for things to get sexual. This approach is a lighter version of sensate focus therapy.
A date with curiosity- partnered or solo, take a night where you just explore what feels good. Engage in oral sex with no intention of orgasm, just with the intention to see what your partner likes. Play with different types of toys until you figure out what feels really good. Remove the pressure of climax and try to be present in playing with the feelings of arousal. Basically, try edging.
Sexy sounds- I have a nice little playlist to activate my sensual self. Like right now, I’m vibing to Ely Guerra’s Tengo Frio. Music has always had a special place in my heart. As a choir girl, I learned to commune with God through singing, and now I’ve learned to “see God” when I pair my sexual experiences with music. Get music that taps into the movement of your body, ground yourself in your sexual self.
Look at the real deal- Too many people have no idea that their bodies look completely and utterly normal. In a world of photoshop, labiaplasty, and porn size dongs, you may look at yourself and find yourself wanting. Look for people who look like you experiencing pleasure, look at a labia gallery, look at a penis gallery. Divest from the idea of what a ‘sexy body’ is supposed to look like.
These are just a few suggestions to reclaim your sexual self in this capitalistic hellscape meant to commodify and charge you for everything. Your pleasure is YOURS. Our pleasure is ours.
“There is no way to repress pleasure and expect liberation, satisfaction, or joy.”
― Adrienne Maree Brown, Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good*this post was written under herbal influence and edited sober*